rich lady things

a list of 10 things any self-respecting rich lady simply must possess

Next month will mark the the 10-year anniversary of the Gweneth Paltrow GOOP food stamp challenge—an experiment that conclusively demonstrated just how easy it is to be poor. I wholeheartedly believe the GOOP food stamp challenge was the catalyst for the #eattherich movement that has been silently percolating underneath this nation’s topsoil for decades. I think we can all agree that movement is now dead, which is why I finally feel safe enough to bravely share a list of my favorite rich lady things in this substack post that will never come back to haunt me. Enjoy.

1. Jonathan Adler Ceramic Weed Cannister: Prominently display your small-batch organic sativa in this cheekily obvious Santorini-hued vessel as you turn to your party guests and say “can you believe people used to go to prison for this?” while gulping down the dregs of your blanc de blanc.

   

2. Le Creuset Spoon Rest Rest: Distinguish yourself from the bourgeoise strivers who are separated from pauperdom by only one layer of overpriced heart-shaped pink ceramic with this limited edition spoon rest rest.

   

3. $3,000 Dog That Yearns for Death: Would any themed dinner party be complete without the labored wheezing of a genetically-butchered purebred dog that cost more than the average American monthly mortgage payment? Released from his mortal suffering by a single Knipschildt chocolate truffle that had rolled under the settee, only to have his soul immediately plucked from Dog Elysium by the skilled technicians at South Korean pet cloning company Sooam Biotech Research. Will he ever be free? Not on your Cartier watch!

   

   I’m tired, boss

4. Fancy Useless Purse Handkerchief: “What if my purse wore a garish little Hermès scarf like it was a living, breathing rich lady just like me?”— a groundbreaking question that has never crossed the proletariat mind. In a cruel but completely fair world where a large chunk of the human population oscillates back and forth between the first two levels of Maslow’s hierarchy, you’re #blessed to lead a life where your expensive accessories also wear expensive accessories.

   

5. Trudon Lafayette Bust Candle: Nothing says oh yeah I’m wealthy as shit lmao quite like melting down a $270 unscented wax bust of French politician Gilbert du Motier as you struggle to stay afloat in your nightly barbiturate bubble bath.

   

   I’m tired, boss

6. Cashmere-Lined Leather Diva Cup: Leave the medical-grade silicon to the Maxxinistas and cram this ultra-chic cashmere-lined leather diva cup up your fancy twat. “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” A despicable question invented by the jealous poors that mustn’t be dignified with an answer. The real quiet luxury is shedding your uterine lining into 100% unethically sourced ladakhi cashmere and casually discarding it into the open palm of the Bergdorf’s dressing room attendant.

7. Rick Owens x BabyBjörn Baby Carrier: Embrace style over safety and swaddle your newborn in a tenuous cobweb of threadbare cotton that screams “Whatever, I can just pay that Guatemalan woman to carry another one for me” while you lecture the hired help about abundance mindset.

8. Alexander Kirkeby Hand-Blown Crystal Egg Cup: Let everyone know how easily you can afford to consume an egg.

   

   highly sexually charged image

9. Kindred Black Moon Dew: While your peers are still smearing their ugly mugs with mass-produced Sephora slop, you’re lightyears ahead dabbing your artificial cheekbones with the semen of a mad 12th-century syphilitic alchemist. It’s beauty so slow it rides the short bus to the far-away school.

   

   I’m tired, boss

10. Gay Sociopath Grifter: Can you really call yourself a rich lady if you’re not being financially manipulated by a charismatic transient homosexual with a falsified law license?