hedge fund cherries: one finance douche's mental breakdown over "stolen" stone fruit (the most insane email chain you'll possibly ever read)

ok guys, here’s a very true story about the time i was working as a receptionist at a NYC hedge fund and one of the finance guys that worked out of our office had a full blown meltdown over cherries that I “stole” from him. this all unfolded via email on the afternoon of friday, july 23, 2010 when i was 23 years old. i didn’t save the email chain when i left in 2012. rather, i found out years later that one of the hedge fund analysts saved it and every year they do a dramatic reading of it at the annual retreat. he forwarded it to me a few years ago, and i’m sharing it with you here today.

just for a brief prologue, one thing you’ll come to know and hopefully love about me is that one of my absolute favorite things to do is to throw away unopened mail. nothing pleases me more than throwing a big pile of envelopes directly into the trash without even checking to see whether it was addressed to me or whether it’s from the government. say what you will, but this system has been working for me for YEARS. if your engaged friends, the american court system, the IRS, or the police want to get ahold of you badly enough they’ll just call you, and then you can say “oh my, no i didn’t receive anything? it must have been lost in the mail!” and everyone will believe you no questions asked.

i’ve written previously about how i got the receptionist job by helping some woman who ran a temp agency sell her antique nazi dolls on ebay. little did i know the job was like 20% just sorting mail. the hedge fund leased an entire floor of office space and sublet some of it to smaller seed funds. every day the mailperson would come and leave a giant pile of mail on my desk and i’d have to sort it and bring it to everyone at our hedge fund and the seed funds. i know this sounds easy, but these dudes always had a bunch of shit delivered to the office so some days it took me a solid 90 minutes to “do the mail.”

one of the “seed funds” that leased space from us only had 3 employees: the middle aged principal, and two young analyst guys. i rarely saw them in the office because they were bi-coastal and would just randomly come in like 2 days a month. when i got mail for them, i would just go lump it onto the crazy as mail pile on their desks until the pile got so high that i had to start putting it on their chairs.

one of the seed fund analysts was this nerdy but not unattractive guy in his late 20s. kind of looked like a paler, nerdier version of nick kroll? not an ivy grad but from one of the top 5 LACs. he was always nice to me on the rare occasions he came in, i had known him for over a year at this point. he was borderline flirty w/ me on some occasions but i never read too much into it because i viewed it as part of my job to just be like “hey how’s it goin, spinning wheels & doin deals? finance tee hee!” in a playful, but mildly patronizing kind of way whenever these guys came in.

so this dude’s been out of office for a solid month at this point, and he gets like a big box of something. it looked perishable but i was like “meh w/e” & went and put it on his mail pile. he never came into the office and a week later i had to throw the box out bc it was mangoes and they started to rot. No, i didn’t email him about the mangoes, i just threw them away. i figured they were a stupid ass gift from another stupid ass hedge fund (which we received all the time).

like a week or two later, guy gets another box of perishable looking goods. instead of emailing him “hey you got a box of perishables, what do you want me to do with them?” i just instinctively opened the package, saw that it was CHERRIES, took them into the communal kitchen, dumped them into a big ass bowl, grabbed a handful for myself and walked back to my desk, where i went about my day. i went back an hour later, and the cherries had been completely demolished by every one else in the office. they were very, very good. perhaps the best cherries i’ve ever eaten to this day. they were so plump and perfectly tart and tangy, i will never forget them.

the thought that i had committed some grave misdeed by doing this never even crossed my mind. of course i’m 35 now, and i acknowledge it was a little (a lot?) fucked up that i didn’t even shoot this guy an email before opening his mail and eating the contents of his package. but i was a literal idiot back then. i was also still a little “Appalachian-brained” at this point of my life so part of me just thought this was a random gift b/c it didn’t register that some 28 year old straight guy would actually buy fancy fruit off the internet. to 23 y/o me, stone fruit was a little gay in and of itself (as opposed to straight man fruit like apples and, oddly enough, bananas) but like...internet stone fruit was next level. ofc i don’t still believe stone fruit, or any food/drink, is gay (except maybe campari), but ordering fruit off the internet is still a little weird to me.

two days after the cherries had been unceremoniously eaten, digested, and shat out by everyone at my hedge fund, i got an email from him that made me go “uh oh spaghetti-o!” disclaimer: i know i did some fucked up shit here—i own it, but his emails are just so wildly turdy that it’s kind of hard for me to really be sympathetic, even now. his responses have big “frank ‘grimey’ grimes” energy and this guy is still in my “top 5 turds” list.

without further ado, here is the entire email chain its full, unedited glory. names, emails, and addresses have been redacted to protect the identities of those involved.

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From: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 12:20 PM
To: [Father_Karine]
Subject: cherries

You didn’t happen to see a box of cherries show up at the office for me today?
 
B***** ********
Senior Associate
[Dumb Seed Fund]
LinkedIn <http://www.linkedin.com/in/b********>  Twitter <http://twitter.com/b******>

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From: Father_Karine [mailto:father_karine@hedgefund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 1:45 PM
To: B**** ******
Subject: RE: cherries

Ok, I mean this in the most apologetic way possible, but they were eaten.  You abandoned your mangos so we thought the cherries were fair game…  I owe you?
 
______________________________________________
[Hedge Fund]
[Father_Karine@hedgefund.com]
[Father_Karine]
______________________________________________

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in the wisdom of my old age, i now understand that “they were eaten” with very little supporting detail is an absolutely insane response to give to someone who ordered and received a package of fruit at their job. i might as well responded “hey man, thanks for reaching out. bad news is that i actually opened that package and everyone here ate your cherries. going forward, can u please give me advance notice if u plan on wanting your mail?? because when you ACT like you don’t want your mail, i’m going to BELIEVE you don’t want your mail and throw it away or something. thanks!” anyway, my flippant “they were eaten :(!” response clearly enraged him because he sent me the following 3 emails in a THREE minute time frame:

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From: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 1:52 PM
To: [Father_Karine]
Subject: RE: cherries

[Father_Karine] – I want these for the weekend.  I’m coming in to get them.  If you’re kidding, tell me now.  I assume you are.  It’s very hard to imagine “someone” having the gall and lack of respect to open a closed package addressed to me and eating my food when I know for a fact they were supposed to be delivered today, which means they were in the office for at most two days.

From: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 1:53 PM
To: Father_Karine
Subject: RE: cherries

If you’re not kidding, this is no where near fucking okay and I want to know who it was that stole a package off my desk.  It’s a goddamn federal crime.

From: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 1:55 PM
To: Father_Karine
Subject: RE: cherries

Btw, I ate my fucking mangos.

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immediately i knew: oh, he MAD. i immediately walked over to the hedge fund’s office manager to explain that i had, indeed, dun goofed up them cherries and now B**** was flipping out about it. Officer manager was also late 20s, maybe early 30s, and had been a male model in his early life (lol). he was obsessed with Eminem and would also write raps himself. sometimes he would do little raps in the kitchen and i would listen to them and be like “omg you gotta do shows.” office manager HATED the young analysist dude (partially because he treated the office manager like a receptionist himself where he was a bigboi finance guy) so when i showed him the rage emails about the cherries office manager just like “ok fuck this guy. don’t respond. fwd me the chain and i’ll respond and cc you.” so now zoolander office manager is involved and it gets even better:

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From: [Hedge Fund Office Manager] [mailto:j**********@hedgefund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 2:12 PM
To: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Cc: [Father_Karine]
Subject: RE: cherries

B****,
 
I guess an apology is order after I/we did eat the cherries, knowing your name was on the box, after [Father_Karine] put them in the kitchen yesterday.  To be fair we have both delivered boxes of fruit to your desk only to see them sit there for a few weeks in some cases.  It was really our feeling that someone signed you up for the “fruit of the month club” and you couldn’t really care less.
 
I am a little surprised by your reaction, we would have never guessed it would be that big a deal.  Any food that we order and put in the kitchen is game for anyone.  We will re-order, and let you know when they come in.  
 
Best,
J*****

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From: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 2:26 PM
To: [Hedge Fund Office Manager] [mailto:j**********@hedgefund.com]
Cc: Father_Karine
Subject: RE: cherries

J*****,
 
I like you and I don’t think you had malicious intent, so I’m going to try to be as unemotional and direct as possible.  Under no circumstances should anyone at [Hedge Fund] open anything addressed to me.  In fact, I believe it’s a crime.  As to your explanation, there has only been one fruit delivery made, mangos, which I specifically came into the office to pick up and did not sit there for ‘a few weeks’.  I picked them up the week they were delivered.  You might be surprised to know that I actually track their shipping progress.  Moreover, I spoke with Harry & David on Monday so know the cherries haven’t been sitting there for long either. Irrespective, please refrain from making any judgments as to which of my things I care or don’t care about.  And specifically please never allow those judgments to bring you to take any of my things.
 
Comparing my mail packages to food that you order for the office (which by my understanding is part of our rent and explicitly communal) is a completely inappropriate comparison and serves as no justification.
 
As to my reaction, I have actually been looking forward to these cherries for a few weeks, and even beforehand when I first saw them on the fruit-of-the-month calendar.  Irrespective of how lame or unlikely that seems to you, it is the case.  I happen to really enjoy excellent fruit.  And I had a very specific use in mind for these cherries this weekend for someone I care about deeply.
 
Here is the link to re-order:  http://www.harryanddavid.com/gifts/store/item____fresh-fruit-gifts_fresh-fruit-seasonal-gifts_75?cm_re=Homepage-_-item1-_-75&stickToCategory=false. Unfortunately as you can see they are very expensive cherries.  Please do let me know when they arrive.
 
I don’t want this to be a bigger deal than it is, and I harbor no lasting ill will towards anyone, but frankly I’m very disappointed to find that I can’t trust my packages will be reliably kept at the office and find the justifications given empty.
 
B****

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From: [Hedge Fund Office Manager]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 2:37 PM
To: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Cc: Father_Karine
Subject: RE: cherries

All understood.  
 
But to be clear there was a rotten box of Mangos that a group of people watched us throw away last week which has direct correlation to how this box of cherries was handled.  
 
I will let you know when they come in.

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From: B**** ****** [mailto:b*******@Dumbseedfund.com]
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 2:37 PM
To: [Hedge Fund Office Manager] [mailto:j**********@hedgefund.com]
Cc: Father_Karine
Subject: RE: cherries

If that’s the case there was an odd Harry & David mix-up as I only receive one order of mangos as part of my package and I most definitely picked up and enjoyed them.
 
That does add context, though I reiterate my points below, and suggest that an email to me would be a better way to handle my perishable packages.
 
If you don’t mind, I’d actually prefer to order the cherries myself, as I can choose the delivery date based on my travel, so if you don’t mind leaving an envelope with compensation on my desk from whomever is appropriate.  Thanks.

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and so, we left an envelope with $45 in it as “compensation” for my “crime” on his desk, where it sat for 3 full weeks until he came in after hours to pick it up because he was so probably so mortified after re-reading these emails. obv. this email chain spread like wildfire at our hedge fund, everyone eventually asked to see it. even the two double-Yale degreed 45 y/o principals would smirk if there was a mention of “cherries” at the holiday party or something, though they would never own up to knowing what happened and always pretended to not be involved in any drama. not shockingly, the analysist quit like a few months after this happened. i randomly saw his boss (who loved me) jogging in central park west like a year later, and he was like “omg how are you? how’s school? oh hey, remember CHERRIES guy?” so even his boss found out hehe.

like 6 months after the cherries incident, i posted on my FB asking if anyone had a drill i could borrow b/c i needed to put up shelves (woman moment). cherries guy, with whom i was FB friends (part of the culture at the time), responded “I feel like I owe you—I can help.” wow! anyway, he came over with a drill and i let him put up like 6 floating shelves in my apartment. it only took 45 minutes or so, and afterwards he asked if i wanted to get a drink. I said “nah i’m good” and i never saw him again.

anyway, what’s your favorite part of the email chain? here are mine!

• “It’s a goddamn federal crime.” lmao go file a police report, nerd. take me away, boys

• The office manager’s “Any food that we order and put in the kitchen is game for anyone.” makes me laugh bc it’s such an insane comparison to food privately ordered by someone. i’m sure this made cherry boy fucking livid like “relax bro, we order food and put in the kitchen all the time what’s the problem here?””

• “You might be surprised to know that I actually track their shipping progress.” i’m actually not surprised!

• “And I had a very specific use in mind for these cherries this weekend for someone I care about deeply.” ok, was this supposed to make feel guilty or jealous? go eat some other exotic fruit out of ur ugly gf’s bunghole idc

• “Unfortunately as you can see they are very expensive cherries.” any time i feel bad about what i did i read this line and i’m instantly glad i tore that box open and ate those cherries.

if you like shitty little stories about nothing like this one, please sub to my substack i’ll be posting more dumb stuff in the future for sure

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