As I write this, Substack is informing me that this post—a collection of loosely related vignettes about the perverts I’ve encountered over the years—is “too long for email.” Maybe that’s a good thing.
i always read ur posts <3 im a kind of adhd tard zoomer and i skim thru most stuff i “read” but ur post is always such a fun read tht i forget to remember to skim LOL. i used to love ur posts on rsp too!!
i made the mistake of reading this in public but it was only a mistake because when i got to 'peter the carpet' i started laughing so hard i got weird looks from the girl next to me and i'm still giggling about it 20 minutes later. absolutely stellar work
Mud fetish? Quicksand girls? OMG I am laffing. Thank you for this ridiculous post. I'm currently in the hospital and this was needed to make me feel better about myself LOL.
"which became a favorite of the of the Gilgo beach killer. It eventually fell into disrepair and lost its lease: the NYC tequivalent of being reduced to ash like Sodom and Gomorrah by the grace of God."
"of the" duplicated.
"tequivalent" should be "equivalent".
"one of things I was hellbent on doing in the country was to become active in my new community"
This was such a great post and now I know that secretly listening to people pee can be a beautiful bonding experience. Bless you for your work, though commenting on this post has me concerned that I might have a fetish for commenting on fetish posts and now I'm concerned that all human behavior is fetish driven.
Oh, God this made me laugh too hard. I ended up coughing.
Your mention of socks reminds me of one of my blogger friends back in the early days of blogging named ‘Daintily Dirty.’ I loved ‘Daintily Dirty.’ Her idea was to sell her used socks and underwear online for money but she gave that money to something—something to do with the Iraq War. Now I cannot remember! Anyway, we bonded over our opposition to the Iraq War.
The only problem with being friends with her in the blogosphere was the commenters on her site were sketchy and would come over to my site from her blogroll, and say weird shit. Though I love getting comments! I didn’t mind that much but it was occasionally startling. But it did get me thinking about fetishes, and I don’t think I ever fully understood them.
There was also a lot of discussion of discovery of fetish blogs and message boards on the internet. Anything could be a fetish so was everything a fetish? I was trying to quit smoking at the time, and wrote about this, and got some odd comments. Due to my constant obsession with cigarettes, it felt like smoking was something I could make into a fetish if I tried since I was always thinking about smoking, and it felt like there was nothing I could ever want as much as a cigarette. But I would have to be so creative to come up with one, and I am not that creative.
One of the most surprising fetishes I discovered was a sneeze fetish. I told someone I hate to sneeze (I truly do.) Apparently, there’s a whole fetish around sneezing. It relates to a hatred of sneezing or resistance to sneezing? (It also had a message board.)
Do people automatically come up with these or do they ‘just happen’? Or are they things one invents with effort? And how do they happen? Is it just a person experiencing an intense feeling and associating it with sex, then trying to recreate this intense feeling? I have always wondered this.
Anyway, Daintily Dirty, if you are out there I hope you are still dirty. And dainty!
All those people and not a single one peeked behind the shower curtain?! I'm agog. There is literally no way in hell I would ever use or go into a bathroom...my own or anyone else's...with a closed shower curtain without checking behind it. Not because I'm suspicious of pee-tub perverts, mind you, but just to check for murderers or monsters. Guess I've seen one too many horror movies.
Also I totally sold my dirty socks back in the aughts too lol. Too much money not too, and back then I had to go to a laundromat to wash them anyway. Used to imagine some dude waiting excitedly for UPS to bring him a sealed ziplock bag of sweaty gym socks to stick over his face and inhale deeply, which I did find entertaining yet also very sad. But that's about as far as I ever want to see or know anything about anyone's weird fetish. Idk what is wrong with their brain wiring to be turned on by such bizarre non-sexual things, but if you had moved to the not-cool suburban flyover area I live in, I would've been happy to laugh with you over these pervs. The muddy boots guy is actually vicariously making me mad.
i think it was just a less suspicious / paranoid time back then. i think people would be inclined to check now. we were all just selling our socks and panties back then!? maybe you were my competitor lol...
Ok quick thing about quicksand that probably wont help anyone who doesn’t believe in quicksand believe in it:
I had this memory from childhood about my brother falling off a piece of wooden play equipment at my state capital’s most prominent park into quicksand and getting stuck and having to go get mum to drag him out
When I was in my early 20s I decided that this definitely wasn’t a real thing that had happened and I had been brain poisoned by the prominence of quicksand in children’s media into believing that quicksand was a major hazard that I would encounter in everyday life and imagined my brother’s quicksand incident
HOWEVER recently I spoke to my mum about it and she said “oh yeah that happened it was really scary and traumatic” which is UNBELIEVABLE how is there quicksand under play equipment in an extremely heavily trafficked public park???? Truly it has shaken my trust in the world
> imagine being in the bottom 3 quicksand girls
Pretty sure the bottom 3 quicksand girls *are* the top 3 quicksand girls, but ten minutes later
Despite perverts being the title, I did not see the carpet guy thing coming
there's at least 3 of them, possibly hundreds
im always so excited when i get email notification for ur post and its never ever ever disappointing. u are such a funny and cool lady omg!!
that's so sweet...i'm so glad you enjoy. i'm always like...is anyone reading this??? is this thing on??? (tapping microphone)
i always read ur posts <3 im a kind of adhd tard zoomer and i skim thru most stuff i “read” but ur post is always such a fun read tht i forget to remember to skim LOL. i used to love ur posts on rsp too!!
This post was marvellous, bravo!
i made the mistake of reading this in public but it was only a mistake because when i got to 'peter the carpet' i started laughing so hard i got weird looks from the girl next to me and i'm still giggling about it 20 minutes later. absolutely stellar work
The mudfucker is so wild. Not sure whether to be horrified or entertained by some of these stories—probably both!
Hilarious, and disturbing.
Mud fetish? Quicksand girls? OMG I am laffing. Thank you for this ridiculous post. I'm currently in the hospital and this was needed to make me feel better about myself LOL.
Typos:
"which became a favorite of the of the Gilgo beach killer. It eventually fell into disrepair and lost its lease: the NYC tequivalent of being reduced to ash like Sodom and Gomorrah by the grace of God."
"of the" duplicated.
"tequivalent" should be "equivalent".
"one of things I was hellbent on doing in the country was to become active in my new community"
Should be "one of the things".
But also: thumbs up, keep up the good essays.
thanks it’d be cool if you could do this to all my posts
This was such a great post and now I know that secretly listening to people pee can be a beautiful bonding experience. Bless you for your work, though commenting on this post has me concerned that I might have a fetish for commenting on fetish posts and now I'm concerned that all human behavior is fetish driven.
sorry, ive corrupted you....you need to go comment on a substack princess girlhood essay now to purify yourself
I prefer to remain filthy and shameful but thanks for the opportunity at redemption.
Oh, God this made me laugh too hard. I ended up coughing.
Your mention of socks reminds me of one of my blogger friends back in the early days of blogging named ‘Daintily Dirty.’ I loved ‘Daintily Dirty.’ Her idea was to sell her used socks and underwear online for money but she gave that money to something—something to do with the Iraq War. Now I cannot remember! Anyway, we bonded over our opposition to the Iraq War.
The only problem with being friends with her in the blogosphere was the commenters on her site were sketchy and would come over to my site from her blogroll, and say weird shit. Though I love getting comments! I didn’t mind that much but it was occasionally startling. But it did get me thinking about fetishes, and I don’t think I ever fully understood them.
There was also a lot of discussion of discovery of fetish blogs and message boards on the internet. Anything could be a fetish so was everything a fetish? I was trying to quit smoking at the time, and wrote about this, and got some odd comments. Due to my constant obsession with cigarettes, it felt like smoking was something I could make into a fetish if I tried since I was always thinking about smoking, and it felt like there was nothing I could ever want as much as a cigarette. But I would have to be so creative to come up with one, and I am not that creative.
One of the most surprising fetishes I discovered was a sneeze fetish. I told someone I hate to sneeze (I truly do.) Apparently, there’s a whole fetish around sneezing. It relates to a hatred of sneezing or resistance to sneezing? (It also had a message board.)
Do people automatically come up with these or do they ‘just happen’? Or are they things one invents with effort? And how do they happen? Is it just a person experiencing an intense feeling and associating it with sex, then trying to recreate this intense feeling? I have always wondered this.
Anyway, Daintily Dirty, if you are out there I hope you are still dirty. And dainty!
it'd be funny if she was selling her used panties to donate the proceeds to saddam / the ba'athist regime
Yes, that would be much funnier than general altruism!
All those people and not a single one peeked behind the shower curtain?! I'm agog. There is literally no way in hell I would ever use or go into a bathroom...my own or anyone else's...with a closed shower curtain without checking behind it. Not because I'm suspicious of pee-tub perverts, mind you, but just to check for murderers or monsters. Guess I've seen one too many horror movies.
Great, funny stories as usual!
Also I totally sold my dirty socks back in the aughts too lol. Too much money not too, and back then I had to go to a laundromat to wash them anyway. Used to imagine some dude waiting excitedly for UPS to bring him a sealed ziplock bag of sweaty gym socks to stick over his face and inhale deeply, which I did find entertaining yet also very sad. But that's about as far as I ever want to see or know anything about anyone's weird fetish. Idk what is wrong with their brain wiring to be turned on by such bizarre non-sexual things, but if you had moved to the not-cool suburban flyover area I live in, I would've been happy to laugh with you over these pervs. The muddy boots guy is actually vicariously making me mad.
i think it was just a less suspicious / paranoid time back then. i think people would be inclined to check now. we were all just selling our socks and panties back then!? maybe you were my competitor lol...
so good to read something that's actually funny and also true and like about people's weirdnesses without being mean
I am mudfucker amongst middle aged naive women. So glad I found your writing
this made me laugh out loud multiple times. you are a lifeboat in a sea of think pieces about the patriarchy.
Ok quick thing about quicksand that probably wont help anyone who doesn’t believe in quicksand believe in it:
I had this memory from childhood about my brother falling off a piece of wooden play equipment at my state capital’s most prominent park into quicksand and getting stuck and having to go get mum to drag him out
When I was in my early 20s I decided that this definitely wasn’t a real thing that had happened and I had been brain poisoned by the prominence of quicksand in children’s media into believing that quicksand was a major hazard that I would encounter in everyday life and imagined my brother’s quicksand incident
HOWEVER recently I spoke to my mum about it and she said “oh yeah that happened it was really scary and traumatic” which is UNBELIEVABLE how is there quicksand under play equipment in an extremely heavily trafficked public park???? Truly it has shaken my trust in the world